When Kids Act Ungratefully

Hands up if you've made an effort with a special dessert, planned a day trip or put time aside for some proper play time, only to be hit with 'Why can’t I have MORE?You never give me enough! We never get to do this!'

It's enough to spark a reaction.

Lectures and telling off are typical responses to this kind of complaining, and they come from a place of anger and fear. Which is understandable because it feels like your parenting's being judged and your efforts are going unappreciated. There's also the worry you're bringing up a spoiled child who'll never appreciate the good things in life.

Maybe you remember saying this yourself as a child and getting a swift scolding for it.

With gentle parenting, the aim is to make peace with our fears so we have at least some hope of responding with connection and avoiding shame. (This is especially hard if you value your fear as a useful guide that prevents you from tripping up.)

As always, it depends on the specifics of the situation, but here are some re-interpretations to try on:

They're not judging you, they're just being honest.

Analytical kids in particular will often focus on communicating what they want you to know - ‘I want do this more’ - than feel the need to say 'I'm having a nice time'. It’s absolutely not personal.

It’s ok to hold two feelings at once.

This is a great reminder to yourself as well as your kids. In life there’s often joy and disappointment side by side. Is it so bad to acknowledge the longing to do this more?

Bring yourself back to neutral.

Neutral is a great position to ignore our kids’ tone and take them at face value without pinning more meaning on it.

When replying, try using statements of fact:

‘Everyone’s had a portion and there’s none left now.’

‘We each get to choose one. Are you disappointed with the one you picked?’

‘You really enjoyed our family day. We had such a good time together.’

What’s personal about this?

If you find yourself taking it personally, what’s it triggering in you? Is there a part of you that finds disappointment hard to tolerate? What beliefs do you have around people who ‘always point out the negatives?’.

Are any of these fears getting in the way of fully appreciating the child in front of you now, not 10 years down the line?

What’s the invitation?

Behind the whinge, is there a call for more connection? 90% of the time, that’s what your child’s really asking for.

If they’re older, then maybe a part of this is ‘I’d like more input into special occasions,’ so worth exploring that possibility.

When we dig to find the real complaint, we’ve a better chance of problem solving and thus preventing our child trying harder and harder to communicate it.

Empathise.

If you’re getting a sense that they’re looking for something to make you feel bad about, can you empathise and get curious about it?

Later you could ask, ‘I noticed you weren’t your usual self on the way home. Anything bothering you?’.

Play the long game.

Telling kids off for sounding ungrateful tends to push the real feelings and needs under the surface.

Rather than instil a fear of upsetting you, genuine gratitude comes from seeing how it’s done and experiencing it for themselves.

A reminder that no matter what, we can always be trying to model a grateful outlook and the kind of communication we’d like to see.