The Positive Parenting Approach to Defiance

Here's the thing about defiance in neurotypical kids:

It's SO hard to avoid a power struggle when your child refuses what you've asked. Many, many parents will experience a stress response in the face of defiance.

But while you're reading this in a calm state, how about a reframe:

"NO!" is far more complex than a cheap shot to annoy you.

"NO!" is a child who is struggling, even if they appear to be enjoying it.

"NO!" is a child responding to what they feel is a binary option: either obey or disobey.

"NO!" is hugely inconvenient but not personal. It's communication that needs deciphering with the help of a cool head.

"NO!" is a child who needs help naming their feelings so they can be coached on better ways to express them.

"NO!" deserves curiosity about what's upstream. What are they struggling with? How could I help prevent this next time? What if I planned more time for these transitions so I can stay relaxed?

In other words, defiance can be a mask for:

• I’m not ready.

• I'm nervous about what's coming.

• I'm powerless in this situation.

• I'm enjoying what I'm doing.

• I feel safer at home.

• I don't like what you're asking.

• I don't enjoy being told what to do.

• Sometimes when I say 'No', you change your mind.

• I need to make you understand.

• I'm tired / hungry.

• I need to test your acceptance of me at my worst.

A final thought: Our response to defiance is very often linked to how that same behaviour was received when we were younger.